Bully Free at Work

Welcome to Bully Free at Work
Dedicated to Stopping Workplace Bullying

Bullying in the Workplace occurs in every country in the world. For targets who experience Bullying at Work - my desire is to give you the very best tools and strategies to regain the confidence and respect that you deserve. And for managers and supervisors, it is my aspiration to give you the finest leadership support to create a healthy respectful workplace.

Stopping Workplace Bullying is everyone's responsibility - consider Bully Free at Work your go-to resource that will inspire, inform and allow you to implement well researched solutions that you can count on. Period.

We're in your corner,

Valerie Cade, Founder
Bully Free at Work

What To Do When The Bully Attacks You With Accusations That Are Not True

October 5, 2011 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »

The scenario from one of our readers: How do I stop a bully boss from ‘attacking’ me with untrue accusations? He believes the customer over me. When I try and interrupt him, he puts me on hold.

Ask: “What Does My Boss Probably Want?”

In this case, the boss probably wants to be seen as competent and capable; in fact, most of us do.
Consider that it may be difficult for this boss to know exactly how to handle a customer’s complaint. They may be wrestling with ‘never make the customer wrong’ and they may also be wrestling with ‘any employee behavior is seen as a reflection on this boss personally’. This boss may have trouble separating the customer’s needs with supporting and leading employees.
This boss probably does not want to be interrupted, but heard as well, especially since they may have just had it out with a customer.

Ask: “What Do I Want?”

What do we want from our boss? Usually support, recognition and to be believed.
We want our boss to listen to us until we feel heard.
We want our boss to listen to the customer without compromising the morale of the staff.

What’s Really Going On?

The boss is responsible to run the company and maintain customers and happy staff.
The boss would probably be more apt to listen to an employee especially when he/she feels supported and allowed to speak until he/she is finished (even if he/she is wrong and making false accusations).
The boss may be trying to maintain his/her own need to be seen as effective over looking at the truth of the matter (your view vs the customer’s view).

What You Can Do

Allow your boss to finish his/her statements, especially if they have anger attached to them. Let the hot air out of the balloon first.
Remind yourself that by pushing back at that particular time, you will not likely win.
Choose to approach your boss after the dust settles and when your boss has time to hear you.
Have a ‘classy’ crucial conversation that counts! (Taking the high road to where you want to lead the bully).

Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of “Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now!” which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. For presentations and consulting on workplace bullying prevention and respectful workplace implementation, go to http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com

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© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

What is the Resistance Holding Me Back From Having Something Better Than Workplace Bullying?

September 28, 2011 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »

You want to have a different work experience – one that is bully-free – yet you might be feeling either:

you do not know what to do (then education and awareness is key),
or you actually do know what you might or could do but you haven’t yet gotten the clarity and focus (I call this conviction and confidence) to change.

You want to the situation to change, but…

Don’t let your resistance prevent you from moving through the workplace bullying to a better place. Louise Hay, author of “You Can Heal Your Life”, which has sold over 30 million copies, is a world renowned expert in moving through personal change.

Here are some ways we resist:

The Way We Act

Changing the subject
Getting sick
Breaking eye contact
“Zoning out” and not paying attention
Creating problems which zap our attention and prevent us from moving on, such as running out of gas, financial problems, relationship tension.

We Assume (in order to justify our resistance):

It won’t change anything
They won’t understand
No one can help me – this problem is too unique and complicated
I’ll waste my time getting help
This will pass/get better all on its own

Limiting Beliefs:

Nice people don’t get angry or confront others
It’s too much work
I’m not sure where to start, so I’ll just ignore this
This will take too long to solve
I simply don’t believe anyone can help me

Giving Away Our Power To Others (we use this as an excuse):

He (or she) i.e. the workplace bully, has to change first
As soon as I get (i.e.) more money, then I’ll do it
I don’t want to hurt them (so I won’t say anything)
I’m waiting for a full moon, or …
I am waiting for God so I will just wait (there is a difference between actively waiting in peace and ignoring)

Self Concepts – “I can’t do this because …”

Too old
Not smart enough
Not good enough – why expend the effort
Too stuck

Delaying Tactics – putting something off until …

Later
I can’t think right now
I don’t have time (we eventually create time for things we value)
As soon as I …, then…
The time isn’t right
It’s too late/too soon

Bottom line – it comes down to a choice.

Do you want your workplace bullying situation to change? Yes or No
Are you willing to change to make it so? Yes or No

Remember, nothing stays bad forever …

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© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

Where is the Support? Adult Bullying is Hard to Battle Alone.

September 21, 2011 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Have you ever tried to reach out to your co-workers or friends to tell them about your adult bullying situation, but they ‘weren’t there’ for you?

Why does this happen?

The top three reasons why support may not be present for you when you are faced with an adult bullying situation:

1. They do not know what to do to help; stopping adult bullying is not a topic they know how to coach.
2. They do not realize that listening and empathizing can help, even if they do not know what other actions to take.
3. They might not care enough to help. (Most people do/would care if they knew how to help solve adult bullying problems).

Here’s What You Might Experience When You Share Your Adult Bullying Situation:

* You are interrupted

* They don’t want to hear you out – they jump in, trying to tell you what to do – they expect you to be able to “fix” your adult bullying situation right away.

* They listen in order to hear gossip, not for your best interests.

* They disagree with your feelings about your adult bullying situation.

* They change the subject frequently or allow themselves to be interrupted.

* They revert the conversation back to themselves: “Oh yeah, that reminds me of the time when…”

* They use condescending statements such as “How is your bullying situation coming along?”

What Can You Do To Secure Support To Help Handle Adult Bullying?

1. Choose a friend or co-worker who is kind and a caring, empathetic listener. Who do you know that is kind?

2. Let your friend or co-worker know they do not have to listen in order to solve the problem – you simply want their caring and concern.

3. For advice, seek professional help and guidance. If you choose a therapist, choose someone who has a specialty in conflict resolution and workplace bullying. Ask about their results so far. Make sure you feel comfortable with them.

4. For support at work, ideally you should be able to approach your boss for understanding and protection. If your boss is the bully, you can try an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) or HR (Human Resources) representative. Before approaching these more formal support routes, ask if they have a workplace bullying or adult bullying policy and procedure plan in order to assist a target with adult bullying. You can begin to get a feel for how far you want to take your situation.

5. Last but not least, co-worker support can be very influential and powerful. Having two or more co-workers who are willing to serve as witnesses or support while you take a formal approach to your support needs can be key.

You have permission to use the above article in your newsletter, publication or email system using this email link only and not by reproducing the article as full text. http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/?p=1881

© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

The Five Choices for Handling Workplace Bullying

September 14, 2011 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Not all conflicts can be resolved. However, would you like to know some tips to resolve more conflicts involving bullying in the workplace?

1. Avoidance
a) A refusal to engage

b) Most prevalent

Example:
A very obvious verbal attack occurs, and the target, due to fear, simply walks away.

While this obviously is not a good way of dealing with bullying in the workplace the majority of the time as it tends not to help, it is worth being considered as a strategy for when the conflict is just not worth the effort of being addressed.

2. Accommodation
Taking the conflict and submitting.

Example:
Listening to unhelpful criticism and believing it.

Very frequently used especially where there is low confidence and self-esteem. This is another not very successful method of dealing with bullying at work, but it will do if you know that there is a solution coming soon.

3. Compete
You push hard to get your own way in the conflict, without regard for the other’s needs.

Example:
You are very upset with someone, and when they try to explain their situation, you cut them off and over-explain your point in order to gain control.

This can be very useful when the conflict is mild and you are passionate about your stance, but can lead to a vicious circle as the conflict escalates.

4. Compromise
This is more win-win, and requires the goodwill of both parties. You don’t give in to the conflict, but rather work out a solution somewhere between the two sides.

Example:
One person wants to order a type of food and the other person wants another. Both compromise and order something totally different.

This can lead to the downfall of the actual solution leaving none of the sides happy. Sometimes no one wins.

5. Collaborate
The most useful tactic, particularly with extreme conflict and workplace bullying. The aim here is to focus on working together to arrive at a solution, where both sides have ownership of and commitment to the solution.

Example 1:
You and someone else are at completely opposed viewpoints over a project. You sit down and work out why they believe in their point of view, and explain your own. Clever and lateral thinking can provide a solution, which answers both sides, but is not a compromise.

Example 2:
Someone is bullying you at work. You talk to this person using the strategies below and collaborate on modifying their behavior.

Use this strategy when the goal is to meet as many of the current needs as is possible. This can be the most difficult strategy if confidence is low, as it involves actually naming the issue to the conflict-creator, which can cause huge anxiety and fear.

To collaborate successfully on an issue such as bullying or continuing conflict you need to follow a few basic guidelines.

You must recognize that (maybe) part of the problem is your own fault: you allowed it to happen and did not try to address it to begin with. You can state this aloud and actively take part of the responsibility, as this will put the onus onto the other person to take the other part of the responsibility.
Remember that we frequently don’t like in others what we don’t want to see in ourselves, but occasionally find anyway. Be very sure that you have not committed the same conflict/offense.
Manage yourself during the resolution attempt – learn calming strategies if you are hot-tempered, or confidence boosters if you are shy. Try not to be emotional, as emotion will only make things escalate, and put a further wedge between parties. It is your responsibility to manage yourself; anything less, we are putting our unnecessary ‘stuff’ on the other.
Maintain eye contact and use your body language to convey your belief in what you are saying. Don’t fiddle with something nervously, don’t cross your arms protectively, and don’t put yourself on a lower level than the other person (such as sitting on a lower chair). Our body language shows our heart. Is your heart showing the desire to collaborate?
Don’t believe that the best defense is a good offense – that is part of the Competing strategy. Comebacks and not acknowledging another’s point of view are also part of competing: listen to the other side as they have just as much of a right to share as you do. Seek first to understand
Work the issue, not the person: this means addressing the behavior rather than the entire existence of that person. There is a different level of ownership for behaviors, and people will take less offense if you address their behavior than if you criticize them personally. Never lay blame, as this will only fan the fires. Check your heart: can you separate the person from the performance? If you are not getting anywhere, ask for further information from the other person about the reasons for their behavior, but don’t ask questions with ‘why’ at the beginning – if you do, this will actively put the other person under the spotlight and they will get defensive.

PS: If you sincerely feel you cannot resolve a conflict due to being very emotionally upset, then own this fact and ask for forgiveness of not being able to resolve the conflict at the moment. These are your emotions and they must be owned by you. Again, separate the person from the situation. This allows us to have hope in moving through the most difficult situations.

Above all, remember that people who enjoy creating conflict are ultimately power-seekers who enjoy controlling others. Frequently this is because either they have suffered in a similar way before or feel that they have very little control over their own lives and they do anything they can to feel in control. A little compassion will take you a long way both in resolving the situation and in putting it behind you when it is resolved. After all, what is the alternative? It’s time for extending the olive branch…

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© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

Cyber-Bullying in the Workplace: Technological Bully Attacks

September 7, 2011 | Click Here to View 3 Comments or Post Your Own »

“You should know better.” That was the ominous text message Laura, a Registered Nurse at a large medical center, received from 20 people at 11 a.m. one morning….

She was astounded. What was happening, she wondered? What did the message mean? And why would anyone—let alone 20 people—text her with the same message?

Laura went home that night shaken and perplexed. After a sleepless night, she figured it out. She had been at her job for only a week. She had replaced a popular supervisor, who had left abruptly without explanation. Her employer had assured Laura that her staff would accept her. Obviously, they had not.

Laura’s co-workers were taking advantage of an electronic means of bullying. Laura was the target of cyber-bullying. Cyber-bullying is harassment using technology—cell phones, email or the internet, for example. While the term was first applied to teenagers, it is rapidly being used to apply to behavior adults are experiencing in the workplace as well.

Cyber-bullying can take workplace bullying to a new level. All of us know how quickly emails can spread information. Imagine how the word spreads when emails or text messages broadcast unverified rumors about a target, from unverified sources.

Also, where workplace bullying usually pits one bully against one target, cyber-bullying can easily take the form of cyber-mobbing where you have many people against one target. All that workplace bullies need to know is your email address or cell phone number. They can remain anonymous under an assumed email identity, or block their number when calling you.

Knowing this, here’s what you can do to curb cyber-bullying or even cyber-mobbing:

• Save emails and texts that contain bullying messages. Your company may have a way to find out who owns that account (IP address), and you can then block that email address from sending you anything. In addition, the email can serve as evidence that you are being bullied.

• Don’t use your work email address for anything other than work. Set up a different email account for personal use.

• Don’t tell online “friends” (the ones you know through social networking sites) your company’s name. It’s relatively easy to figure out someone’s work email address if you know her name and the company she works for.

• Find out if your email program has a filter that allows only those on your “safe” list to send you emails. They have to be approved by you. Download an email verification program from the internet that ensures you are in control of who sends you emails. Any unknown sender has to first apply to you – you can accept or decline any email address request.

• As far as text messaging goes, you can also block phone numbers, once you identify a bully’s number. Simply call your cell phone company to arrange the block.

Cyber-bullying is a very passive form of bullying. It is as serious as any other form of workplace bullying and has the potential to be even more insidious. You can take steps to block and verify who contacts you in order to gain back some control. Remember, the bully’s nature is to try and take your power because they feel they do not have their own. You do not have to give them anything and you have every right to set up these personal boundaries. You are worth it!

You have permission to use the above article in your newsletter, publication or email system using this email link only and not by reproducing the article as full text. http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/?p=1862

© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

Bullying in the Workplace: Before You Accept That New Job, Bully-Proof Yourself!

August 31, 2011 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Have you heard the old saying, “Once bitten, twice shy”? It means that people who have had unhappy experiences in relationships are unwilling to risk loving—and possibly losing—someone again.

When it comes to workplace bullying, however, the saying should be, “Once bullied, bullied again.” It’s astounding but true that over half of the people who contact us at BullyFreeAtWork have been bullied in more than one job.

If you have been the target of a workplace bully in two or more companies or areas of the same company, it’s time to think about what you can do to protect yourself.

Here are some actions you can take:

Read “Bully Free at Work” by Valerie Cade. You’ll find a well researched plan and hundreds of excellent suggestions for dealing with a bully – Click here.
Interview your prospective boss before you accept your next job. Find out:

The company’s/department’s values and goals. Do those values and goals mesh with yours? Ask them how they handle conflict or workplace bullying. You can lead here!

The kind of work assignments you can expect. Are these part of your expertise? If not, how will you be trained, by whom and when?

Who you will be working with. Do employees cooperate or compete? Ask yourself about what kind of work environment is best for you.

Interview some of the current employees to “get a feel”.

Know what your job negotiables and non-negotiables are i.e. too much stress, working late without much notice, etc. and ask about these.

Ask “What’s most important?” in terms of the overall job and see what’s said – if it feels good (your sense) trust your gut; and trust your gut if it doesn’t.

In other words, find out as much as you can about the job, then honestly assess the position. If you have doubts, look for another opportunity. Workplace bullies look for signs of weakness in their targets. Sensing that you are having doubts about your job or your performance may prompt a workplace bully to target you.

Know your boundaries and establish them at the beginning. Don’t wait until you’re burned out before you sit down with your supervisor and tell her the workload is too much to complete in a reasonable period of time. And, at the first hint of verbal abuse, use one of the suggestions you learned in the book, “Bully Free At Work”, our blog, or our podcast, to react appropriately. If a workplace bully thinks she can get away with her bullying, she’ll increase the pressure the next time.

If you have been targeted by a bully, once, twice or even three times, it’s never too late to learn how to prevent it from happening again. We’re here to help prevent you from being the target of a workplace bully once and for all.

You have permission to use the above article in your newsletter, publication or email system using this email link only and not by reproducing the article as full text. http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/?p=1851

© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

“Fair” and “Unfair” Conversations – Your Increased Power with Bullies at Work

August 24, 2011 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »

When it comes to workplace bullying, we can and will be confused. Have you ever felt bewildered right in the middle of a conversation, wondering to yourself ‘what on earth is happening here?’ or ‘I want to work this out in a fair way, but I feel the other person is acting unfairly’?

If the other person is acting out unfairly, then you’ll want to Bully Proof Yourself. Fair conversations occur when both parties feel honored. Unfair conversations occur when one person does not display the respect and honor to connect.

Here’s how you can tell what is fair and unfair in terms of a conversation:

1. Facial Expression:
Fair Conversation: Responsive and interested, eye contact.
Unfair Conversation: Closed and passive.

2. Focus:
Fair Conversation: Concentrates on your issue and is present (paying attention). Makes time to discuss problems.
Unfair Conversation: Over-generalizations; dumps many issues at once in order to deflect and defend.

3. Rapport:
Fair Conversation: Shared purpose, empathetic, and is committed to listening to you.
Unfair Conversation: One-way and no direct response/feedback with little regard for your needs.

4. How Information is Handled:
Fair Conversation: Realistic and authentic with probing for challenging issues.
Unfair Conversation: Distorted lies, and avoidance of the issue or demanding you to apologize.

5. Responsibility to Successful Conclusion:
Fair Conversation: Willing to resolve and change, is able to apologize if necessary.
Unfair Conversation: Denial, justifications, avoiding, blaming and an absence of taking responsibility to resolve.

Knowing what an unfair conversation looks like will help you to realize that you are not crazy when you meet up with a bully. Keeping a realistic perspective will help you to distance yourself from being drawn into the bully’s power.

Remember, great communicators will “seek to serve and help”. Not everyone is aware of the principles of being a great communicator – knowledge is power. Now use your power to protect yourself, instead of going to self doubt and trying to ‘jump higher’.

You have permission to use the above article in your newsletter, publication or email system using this email link only and not by reproducing the article as full text. http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/?p=1846

© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

How Do You Rate? Boundary Quiz for Workplace Bullying

August 17, 2011 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Awareness is empowerment. Boundaries are essential in protecting yourself from workplace bullying and disrespectful acts. Take the quiz: What gets measured gets treasured!

1. Do you have a healthy ability to be emotionally attached to others?

Not attached Healthy Too attached

5 4 3 2 1 2 3 4 5

2. Can you retain your sense of freedom and selfhood while setting yourself apart from others’ needs?

Too independent Healthy Too attached

5 4 3 2 1 2 3 4 5

3. Can you say “No” when needed, without the anxiety and fear that others will not ‘connect with you’?

Don’t care Healthy Anxious, fearful

5 4 3 2 1 2 3 4 5

4. Can you hear “No” from others without being passive-aggressive, and withdrawing your love and care?

Aloof, non-responsive Healthy Passive

5 4 3 2 1 2 3 4 5

Question: What will you do now?

Here is a special tip to help you to start creating healthy boundaries:

Avoid rescuing others. This is called being over-responsible for others. We are responsible to others. Being over-responsible for others is a form of co-dependency. No one wins. In fact, the person you rescue often carries a resentment toward you, because ultimately people do want to gain the self-esteem associated with taking responsibility for one’s own life.

Key: Confronting someone who is not taking responsibility does not cause them pain; it causes you pain. If you want results, you need consequences.

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© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

The Bully’s Non-Responsiveness Can Be a Workplace Bullying Tactic

August 10, 2011 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Feeling ignored?

Non-Responsiveness (repeated): Not willing to hear the needs of others.

Motivator:

Efficiency and quick problem solving for their own needs.

What They Do:

When you are vulnerable or try to share your feelings and concerns, this person avoids the responsibility “to you” by being cold, direct, non-empathetic and overly bold. Refusing to be caring and empathetic towards others when it is possible to do so is immature, and an act of self-absorption.

What Happens:

They have a secret hatred toward themselves and they can’t quite take responsibility for this self-loathing. It is easier to project this critical spirit on others. As a result, they end up by behaving in such a way that the target or others feel completely ignored and thus invalidated.

Challenge:

They do not have the desire and values for others’ needs to be met, therefore they do not display caring behaviors needed for community and connection.

Why Do They Do That?

They are so absorbed in their own needs that they have no energy or even awareness to put forth an empathetic connection. Some may call it narcissism.

What They Can Do:

Decide to care for others. But first, they need to explore why they cannot truly take the responsibility to care maturely for themselves while honoring the needs of others.

What You Can Do:

Realize this can be a bullying tactic; and with this awareness, lower your emotional expectations.

You have permission to use the above article in your newsletter, publication or email system using this email link only and not by reproducing the article as full text. http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/?p=1783

© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

Are Your Boundaries Honored?

August 3, 2011 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Forceful: Not honoring the boundaries of others.

Motivator:

To get their own needs met.

What They Do:

Overt and direct – demand that others comply in order to meet their needs. They use direct words and tone of voice to push you into decisions you do not want.

Manipulative – A more persuasive approach that is less confrontational but creates pressure nonetheless. They seduce others and try to convince by using guilt, over-convincing chatter, manipulation and force.

Bottom line – you feel what you want or need was not heard or honored.

What Happens:

They have difficulty accepting that other people have needs and their own boundaries. They attempt to control others in order to feel a sense of control (they usually do not have self-control).

Challenge:

Cannot seem to play in the sandbox together and accept another’s limits. They cannot seem to accept another’s difference of opinion, and when faced with this difference, they resort to force in order to maintain having it ‘their way’. Others feel pressure to comply and therefore the team spirit and synergy tends to die, and people give in, withdraw and ignore.

Why Do They Do That?

Fear of being taken advantage of.
Fear of not getting the results they need.
They feel others (might) not do it like they would, so they attempt to control.
They have a hard time with discipline – curbing their needs to hear the needs of another.
They are driven by impulse.

What They Can Do:

Decide to listen, honor and acknowledge other people’s needs, and admit/take responsibility for owning their lives.

What You Can Do:

Decide to not give into force.
Remain calm.
Don’t fight back.
Assert one key statement in order to state what you want.
Leave if too overpowering and suggest to chat another time.
Bottom line: Start thinking about what you want instead and making that request.

Remember: It takes two to create a respectful relationship.

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© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

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