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What Is Bullying? Recognizing a Workplace Bully What Is Bullying in the Workplace? A Schoolyard Phenomenon Haunts the Workplace Are You Being Excluded by Difficult People in the Workplace? Dealing with Bullies at Work May Eventually Harm Your Health Bullies in the Workplace Take Toll on Team Workplace Bullies Can Stress You Out and Leave You Sick Work Bullies: Debunking Some Myths about Why People Bully Adult Bullying: Beware! Leopards Don't Change Their Spots The Bully Boss Bosses That Bully Don’t Simply Endure Bullying from Your Boss The Boss Bully: Who Becomes a Target? "The Devil Wears Prada" Gives Some Clues What Can I Do? The Bully at Work: Are You Being Bullied? Find Out For Yourself Bosses Who Bully: Conquer without Fighting Avoid "Triggers" When Taking on an Office Bully Bully in the Workplace: Learn to Read the Bully's Body Language Taking on Bullies at Work Dealing with Difficult People at Work Dealing with Adult Bullies: Does Your Boss Give You Too Much Work? Adult Bullies: "I Love Lucy" Reveals How to Uncover a Bully's True Intentions Victims of a Workplace Bully: Dealing with the Damage How to Handle a Bully at Work: What to Do When the Bully Is Married to Your Boss You Want to Tell Your Manager About Workplace Bullying--But Is She Listening? The Workplace Bully: Adopt a Sumo Wrestler's Tactics to Battle Back Sign Up for Bully-Proof Insurance "Why?" "How?" "When?" Use Questions to Challenge the Bully Office Bullies: Insulted in Public? Unmask the Bully! Office Bullying: How Do You Handle Gossip? Get Advice from the Sages Bully in the Workplace: Make Meetings Matter in Spite of a Bully's Bad Behavior

Podcasts Creating Hope for the Future Against Workplace Bullying: Awareness to Internalization Podcast | Text The Reality of Approaching Your Employer About Workplace Bullying Podcast | Text Bullying: A Further Awareness - Key Principles We Must Follow as a Target Podcast | Text Verbally Deflecting the Bully: Less Is More Podcast | Text The Law of Attraction: Increasing Your Odds Podcast | Text Office Gossip, Gone for Good Podcast | Text How to Listen to Someone Who's Being Bullied Podcast | Text Narcissist Bosses: What Can You Do? Podcast | Text Rejection in the Workplace Podcast | Text

The Law of Attraction: Increasing Your Odds

Welcome to the July edition of Bully-Free Workplace Monthly. I’m Valerie Cade and I’m the founder of How to Have a Bully Free Workplace. And in this edition, we’re going to talk about the law of attraction. Why is it that some people can attract great things into their life, whether it’s wealth, whether it’s a good job or good people around them? And then there are some people that struggle with these very things. For those of you that have somebody in your life that is bullying you, you might be wondering “Why is it that these people are bullying me and not somebody else?”

Well, in previous editions, we’ve looked at the fact that the bully will often target somebody that is actually quite smart, quite talented, in fact maybe quite good looking, somebody who’s very competent, and has what we’d say personal power in that regard, in terms of getting well with others or doing very well in their abilities. The bully will target these people, but the additional piece there is the bully will choose that person in which they feel that they can take it away from. So what does this mean? The bully will target somebody who they feel will not fight back.

So let’s look a little deeper at how to deal with adult bullies. Why is it that we might not be able to fight back? And what is it we could do in terms of our own personal power? Many people will email or call us, and they often will phrase it in this way, “What can I do; what can I say to the bully?” Well, when we give advice on what to say to the bully, do you know that probably 80-90% of the people don’t actually take this advice and use it? What gets in the way is their confidence. They may even start talking themselves into the fact that it’s not really so bad to be around the bully. “Oh, she smiled at me today. I think I can handle it.” I’m not saying you’re trying to minimize anything by any means… but why is it we actually don’t go to the bully and confront them? Well, there’s a whole bunch of reasons, one of which is that the bully probably won’t change, which leaves you disheartened. The other is that it takes a considerable amount of confidence to actually confront the bully. But what if you could do some things without even having to worry about the bully? What if you could so some things that have nothing to do with the bully but have everything to do with you? Well, I like additions like this because then you actually control the outcome a little bit better.

So today, we are looking at the law of attraction. Why is it that some people will attract certain circumstances and others will attract different circumstances? And what is it that we can do to make sure that perhaps by the way you think and what you’re sending out, you could change the fact that the bully may not choose to target you? So what can you do?

I always like to start off these podcasts with a few statistics. And the first statistic I gave you is that most people will ask us, “What can I do to talk or confront the bully?” And I did say that for about 80-90% of the people, even though they have the information, it will be very unlikely if they follow through to the end and confront the bully. Well, that leaves people frustrated.

The second statistic I want to highlight is that you actually can be 100% – now there’s a good statistic – 100% in control of your thoughts. Now that’s three digits! I like things that are a 100%.

It’s a guarantee. It’s a slam dunk. I don’t know any sports figure that has shot or scored a 100%. So a 100% is very rare. But here’s something that you can do with 100% certainty and control. Maybe some of you have seen a movie called The Secret that has been recently put out into the marketplace. It’s also in a book as well. The book or the movie highlights this concept of the law of attraction, and brings it forward once again to the masses: we attract what we think about. So whether you are conscious or unconscious of what you are thinking, that is what you will attract. Now this is not anything new to the universe. There’s actually a book that I will recommend. It’s by Jerry and Esther Hicks, and the name is the Law of Attraction. It’s been around for about 20 years. When I read it a long time ago, it made perfect sense to me. Now ideas like this make even more sense when you‘re faced with a very difficult situation in which you’re looking for solutions for change. So with the law of attraction, you might be at a place in your life where you’re wanting to attract something better, or you’re wanting to stop attracting something that is not serving you well.

Let’s look at how to deal with adult bullies. What are your thoughts when you go to work? And you’ve been bullied, for example, for the last 6 months to a year. What are the thoughts that you have in your mind as soon as you wake up? Might they be thoughts of “Oh no, I don’t want to go to work.” “Oh no, I can only imagine what will happen now.” Do you pre-program your mind with events that have already happened to you? Do you run through your mind some of the things that occurred when the bully was actually targeting you? Do you recall those past memories? Well, people who are under stress, and I would say bullying would constitute significant stress, will often isolate on those past experiences. Why? They’re traumatic. They were horrible to live through. You’re also left with no solution as to what to do about it, so you run it through your mind again. Why? Well, maybe by running it through your mind, you hope you can find a solution. You run it through your mind because you’re in shock and you can’t believe that this would happen. And you also run it through your mind because it’s a habit.

So I’m here today to say we can actually stop what we think. It doesn’t mean that the thought won’t occur to you, but as soon as it does, you can actually take control of that and choose to think of something different. I remember, and maybe you remember as well, in the 80’s and 90’s, the Self-Help Movement. There were many, many jokes, and I think they highlighted it well on a program called Saturday Night Live in the United States. A gentleman was shaving in the morning and he repeated to himself as he looked himself in the eye in the mirror, “I like myself, I like myself, I like myself.” And many comedians got ahold of this and they sure made fun of that event. It seems so simplistic. It seems that something like that would just be for people with extreme low self esteem. Well, do you know as soon as you start saying positive things to yourself, that in your brain there are chemical reactions occurring right away that change the course of how you might feel? And how you feel is what will actually determine how you act, and what messages you will give off to others; messages of confidence as opposed to defeat. So as simplistic as it sounds, it works!

I would encourage you to watch The Secret, and to read the Law of Attraction because it goes into the scientific basis of saying, “I like myself, I like myself.” I’d even say, could you say to yourself, “I love myself. And I love myself. I love myself.” When you say it, the word love constitutes wholeness in your mind, in your brain. You actually feel better. You might not notice a huge difference right away. But by saying it, your brain does not know the difference. And if it doesn’t know the difference, great! The downside of this is that it also doesn’t know the difference when you run those horrible thoughts through your mind of what has happened to you in the past. And you might already start pre-calling what’s going to happen at work. You start anticipating, mind-reading, and as you start thinking about these things, guess what? You get what you expect. So if you expect the bully to target you as soon as you walk in the door, very likely, you will attract that to you.

A friend of mine gave me a really great tip early on in business. He said, “Val, if you are in a meeting, and you really would like to have people notice you or to hear your thoughts, but it’s not happening, then you’ve got to expect it.” And I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “Well, when you’re sitting there in the meeting and the chairperson is not even giving you room to make a comment, why don’t you try this? Send positive thoughts to the chairperson, such as Thank you for running this meeting. This is very good. You’re a good person. I’m here to support you. Positive thoughts like that.” And I said, “Well, you know, I don’t even like the chairperson.” He said, “That’s fine. You can decide that afterwards. But in that meeting, I want you to say these thoughts to yourself and look at the chairperson.” Well, I tried it, and do you know what? The next meeting, at the very end of the meeting, the chairperson said, “Val, would you like to add anything?” Well, I nearly fell off my chair. I thought well, maybe it just happened this once. No – it proceeded, for each of the meetings that we had. And every time that I did this, I did feel better and I probably gave off a different impression for that meeting.

It sounds simplistic, doesn’t it? Let’s just say you can’t even imagine doing this in terms of the bully. Why don’t you try it in various ways? For example, I went skiing with a friend of mine, Jack – I try to go skiing as much as I can- and we were driving into the ski lot here in Calgary, Alberta and it was packed. We got there a little late. I remember sitting in the back seat, being the motivational speaker I am, and saying “You know, we’re never going to find a parking spot.” Obviously, I had clocked out for the day. And Jack, of course, turned around and said, “Val, you get what you expect. I expect to find a parking spot.” And he drove all the way to the front. Everyone in the car was saying, “Jack, you’re not going to find a spot. Let’s just do the safe thing and park back here.” He goes, “No, no, no. I BELIEVE. I believe that we will find a spot.” Well, we went up to the front, but we didn’t see one right away. Then sure enough, just as we turned the corner, there was a perfect spot big enough for Jack’s car. So I thought “Well that just happens once, you know. What are the chances?” And do you know – the next four times we went skiing, Jack drove right to the front. Well, by the fourth time, I was starting to expect it. And guess what – we got one right in front of where you unload your skis! Do you know for the last four years, I’ve gotten that spot nearly every time? Nearly every time! Not every time, but NEARLY every time. There are people that will get parking spots, and there are people that will never get a parking spot. Do you see what that means? The way you park or expect to park is the way you do life.

So, if you are going to work, what do you expect? Here’s something that I recommend you might try saying to yourself. And again, I stress that I am in no way trying to minimize any of the effects that you feel from being bullied. But I want you to try this: When you wake up in the morning, what if you had a statement that you said to yourself such as, “I deserve the love and respect at work like everybody else. I deserve to receive love and respect at work like everyone else.” How about even, “I deserve to receive love and respect. I am worthy of love and respect. I am worthy.” Saying those simple phrases might not change everything, but it will start to change things in your mind where your mind doesn’t know the difference; it will plant the expectation of creating the path for that. I furthermore predict that you’ll have people that’ll come into your path who will start to help you, to support you.

Now, in a podcast like this, I would love to give you all the tips and examples of what you can do specifically to deal with adult bullies. But I’m going to recommend for this month for you to rent the movie called The Secret. If you’re not sure where to get it, then I would suggest Googling, “The Secret”, and see if you could buy it, or rent it at a video store. If you’re an overachiever and a keener, I would highly recommend reading the book the Law of Attraction by Jerry and Esther Hicks. You know there are many many people throughout history that have used this law of attraction. If you’re familiar with the movie the Shawshank Redemption, here is a man put to jail who was innocent. Can you imagine that? Just like you, you’re going to your workplace; you might feel like a prisoner everyday, innocent and you might feel forced to be in this environment. Well, here he was in prison, and he knew he was innocent. He knew nobody was listening to his story, but he held on to the fact that he was a worthy and good man, and one day he would leave. His case did not look like it would ever be overturned at all. It was a closed cases and no one had any interest. But lo and behold, if you watch the movie, he ended up by getting out of jail. So I think it’s important: when we are in jail, do we see bars, or do we see stars? Are you going to look at the bars that hold you back, or can you look beyond it and see the stars?

I guess 100% is the best statistic that I’ve been able to find lately in terms of hope for any of us. But I would encourage you to study this in terms of creating the atmosphere and the surroundings that you deserve oh so well. So, thank you so much for listening to this month’s edition of Bully-Free Workplace Monthly. And if you would ever want to contact us, I would encourage you to do so at info(at)howtohaveabullyfreeworkplace(dot)com. Let us know how you’re doing. We are very open to hearing from you and we hope you are enjoying our newsletter. If you haven’t yet bought our book, Bully Free At Work, this deals with making you sure that you are well protected in terms of making sure that you have a fighting chance against being bullied. I guess last but not least, know that you are not alone. This is one of those silent cyanide sufferings that occur in our workplace right now. And the very first step is to take care of yourself, to bully proof yourself. So thanks for joining us for July’s edition of Bully-Free Workplace Monthly and we look forward to hearing from you.